Offering Luminaries A Place to Cultivate
Enjoy A Little Peace & Ease
While on Your Journey to Become
Who You are Meant to Be....
I find myself influenced by the flight of fight response a number of times each day. I have taught relaxation courses for years and even with all my knowledge, I find the primal response sitting ready for the pounce moment by moment.
It takes little to activate the roar. Once heard, immediately my chest turns red, face flushes, breathing shallows and I feel a surge fly across my belly. I find myself equally focused and unfocused in seconds. I would imagine you can relate to this experience- right?
I start the day with a ritual at my desk calling in the intention of peace and relaxation. Yet, my body has practiced this primal reaction millions of times and I find that it is activated long before I am even aware. It feels to me like a flash of lightening- as I read a confrontational email, or listen to my employee wiggle out of responsibility.
I have started to meditate on a semi- regular basis in the hopes of slowing this response down, but I still feel this reaction over and over all day long. I find myself at the end of the day constantly ruminating over conversations or potential issues. On the drive home, as I cut vegetables for dinner or clicking mindlessly through the tv channels. The worst part is I begin to doubt myself, my life, and my thinking. The influence of this is not just 9-5, but 24/7. It filters into my life, into my marriage and into my friendships. I am always waiting for the tiger to leap from the bush and eat me. As a planner, my mind is constantly weighting all the potential ways I can rescue myself when it happens. Which, at first glance might be good- but this hyper vigilance takes up mind space that is reserved for every other part of my life. Joy, laugher, fun, rest…
Yesterday, sitting at the movies watching previews, I innocently tried to connect with a friend from work. And for what ever the reason, hearing nothing back activated the sabertooth tiger. The tiger jumped from the bush and ate my brain. I was no longer present sitting next to my husband who was happily munching on popcorn. I was running scenarios in my mind of all the possible things I did wrong. Did she talk to so and so about that thing, and is now upset? I was instantly in work survival mode on a Saturday afternoon. I was certain that this experience was happening internally,-that is until my husband leaned over as he reached for the soda and asked- are you ok.
What, ok- sure I am just waiting for the movie to start, this was just enough to stave off a chat about not worrying about work, but it was a near miss. I was found guilty of not enjoying my moments. Of not enjoy my life sitting next to the man I love, ready to watch a silly movie, with a purse full of gluten free treats he purchased from the health food store just for me. I am blessed beyond measure, and all I can think of was the text I sent to my work friend inviting her to join me- the weight of it all hanging in the balance without a response.
This event still lingers today, after hearing nothing from her. My tiger is roaring loud. What is up? Is there something I don’t know about that I should? Is she mad, did I…. fill in the blank here, because I am sure if you can think of it, I have thought it.
What I am wondering is— how do I tame this tiger that has changed my cellular DNA? I want peace of mind, I want ease. Yet, I find myself escaping into lost moments full of what if this or what if that. Doubting myself in all directions.
On this Sunday late afternoon, I wonder how much attention my cells will give this as I try to sleep? How much it will impact my morning? All I want to do is find relief from this screaming worry- of the unknown. The danger that I imagined that is likely- not real.
My cells have practiced this response so much over the years, that I immediately find myself ready to do anything to prevent myself from being eaten. Which of course is not possible, tigers don’t live in my home town!
Grand Design: My wonderful life moments are here to offer me an opportunity to choose- they offer me an opportunity to choose to find a better feeling story or choose to imagine death by tiger. Either way, Divinity has presented me with an experience to savor.
Ritual of Me:. I will notice once my stress response is activated, that my brain is no longer working from a place of rational thinking. Become aware that I am no longer connect to Divinity. From there I will take the time to find my way back to peace by any means available to me in the moment. Peace and tranquility are the Divine Right Order of all moments.
How do you fight your tiger?
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