Offering Luminaries A Place to Cultivate
Enjoy A Little Peace & Ease
While on Your Journey to Become
Who You are Meant to Be....
My husband is a funny guy. We have for years enjoyed nightly pillow talk after we offer our three gratitudes for the day. He makes me laugh hard enough most nights that my cheeks hurt and my ribs ache. I love our night time ritual. Last night, we were in the midst of our normal routine, and I reached for my phone.
Casually in-between a laugh, I decided to check for updates. Our town had been in a state of emergency all day from the huge flood.
This flood split our town in half. I scanned the emails and noticed a seemingly benign subject line that sent a rush of stress hormones across my body within seconds. The little voice in my head said put the phone down don’t read the email, but I opened it anyway.
I almost instantly felt a shift. All the accusations and the implications of what was being written played out like a horror movie in my mind. Here it was 9 pm at night and I was afraid, fearful, angry and sad. My loving husband had not caught up with my shift, until I started to type back a response. I could feel myself drifting from the moment I was just in, to this one. It felt like I was falling back into some closed off place, almost felt like a tunnel or a cave. He was still smiling and started to joke, but he knows me well enough after twenty years- I was long gone. He shifted off his elbow and laid his head on the pillow looking at me. I would guess he was hoping I would be done shortly. The next thing I recall was him rolling over into his preferred sleep position, offering out loud our normal evening prayer to our loved ones and wishing me a good nights sleep.
We had been laughing just a few moments ago about my new selection of white noise music. As he rolled over, a tear started down my cheek. The one place that is important to me, I was no longer able to be present and enjoy. Instead I was engaged in some email battle, that is as familiar as my breath. Although a different email- it was the same old story.
I never did turn on my new white noise song. Instead I made the choice to play out my argument in my head over and over for an hour or more. Around 10:30 pm my husband woke up and noticed I was still awake. You are always asleep by now honey he whispered, get some rest. He was right, but I could not seem to stop being afraid, angry, frustrated and saddened to tears.
The next morning I found myself even more angry. I was angry at myself for opening the email and angry that I feel like I am waiting for some one to rescue me from this situation. Waiting for someone to take my side. Absolutely nothing in my thoughts came close to being about love, light and joy.
I continue to ask myself if what I feel is all up to me and I create my experiences based on how I am feeling— why am I creating this same movie scene over and over? Why am I wasting evenings of laughter and trading them for fear, anger and resentment?
If I truly believe that the only rescue to come from these situations is found in shifting my energy, my thoughts and my connection with the good feeling things in my life. Then no external change will make it better. No change will make it a more loving place. It is up to me to manage my own life experiences.
I wonder do I spend more time viewing my life as a gift to be enjoyed or a battle to win?
As I close this writing session- sitting at my desk during my lunch while trying to ignore the blinking voice mail message light and new email icon-what will I choose? Anger, resentment or joy and laughter?
While I dream, and hope for a different life experience- it is possible that the perfect experience is already here? I had been sitting squarely in a moment of laughter and joy and I chose to leave that space for something more familiar. Although I do know for certain that opening an email just before bed is like starting a wildfire in my front yard and trying to roll over and get some sleep. An ounce of prevention is like… well you know the rest of that story.
What will you choose?
Grand Design: If I am so loved by the Divine, that joy and happiness is my birthright, then the emotional gift of each day is up to me to unwrap and experience. I can choose to acknowledge that my little inner whisper is my connection with Divinity’s message, her promise that all is well.
Ritual of Me:. I will listen to my little voice with more respect. When I start to override her powerful but quiet message- I will remember that she is there to help me navigate my life with joy and ease.
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