Offering Luminaries A Place to Cultivate
Enjoy A Little Peace & Ease
While on Your Journey to Become
Who You are Meant to Be....
Working for an organization there will be times when a manager can feel disconnected from their humanity. In general when they find themselves questioning their usefulness in a particular situation, the voice of grand wisdom usually echos back- “We are all just doing the job, its nothing personal”....
In that moment the heavy air escapes the room and in rushes absolution. Or that is what I was told happens anyway- its not personal right? Even so, no-one mentions how to deal with the emotions that are part of this impersonal experience.
Do my emotions actually count- I wonder to myself? Or am I just the “job” trading in my persona the moment I stepped into management?
This question revisited me again, as I broke down over morning tea. My husband was struck surprised at how his small morning mumblings gave way to loud angry tears streaming down my face. I gave some excuse that I was feeling everything and nothing all the same. The truth, I could not unpack what I was really feeling, because in less than two hours I would offer two of my team members best wishes, on their final day. I was laying them off. I was about to change their life trajectory.
In this morning rawness, I could see how my place of employment used my sleepless nights, my strength in data analysis and my ability to make tough decisions supporting the strategic vision of our company. My manager brain knows this decision needed to be made for sometime— these two guys did ride this longer than we should have allowed— but I had to be sure. The sadness was not at the decision, but my deep recognition that I was failing my internal connection to the Divine. Or at least the is how it felt.
I had to turn off the switch to my true self to do this work today.
Hours later, sitting in the conference room picking at a muffin making small talk, one of these employees broke down and shared that he was struggling to hold back his tears. He shared that he been crying off and on for the last two weeks. He did not want to leave. I felt my chin quiver, and my eyes fill. I was able to fight it all back with a hard swallow. My entire team looking to me, all hoping I would hold it all together.
I flipped that internal switch and soon my mechanical self stood into replace the woman jumping up and down inside my tender heart- screaming— I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry, I tried all I could think to do. This was not easy — you each matter to me.
The heaviness in the air kept me from taking a deep breath. I broke the awkward silence and said out-loud, I am the person here that made this decision and I know it impacts each of you. I want you all to enjoy spending some time together, without the tension I bring to this moment. I reached for my bag. Then he stood up and hugged me— my stiff upper lip well oiled, helped me stay standing. The second guy melted a little, he had been so angry at me this past month. I hugged them both, quickly reaching for the door handle.
I am off to a meeting I shared, feeling as if I was running at break neck speed to leave. Down the hall I rushed past a secretary that wanted to chat. Thirty feet more and I fell into an empty restroom. I cried a bucket of tears—
I cried for the recent pressure I felt from the executives who keep judging my work harshly, leaving me to continue to prove myself. I cried for all the managers before me that avoided this decision and called themselves successful. I cried for these guys lives and what this might mean for them and their loved ones. Finally, with the mascara wiped clean, I walked into the administration building to grab the company car keys. No one even looked up or asked how I was doing. It was business as usual.
With my cry hang over, I drove an hour in the falling snow, over a mountain pass to meet with a guy from a large corporation- the one that I am required to “give them what ever they want”. Which means I must put down my personal views as we discuss his plans and the project next steps.
I sat shocked when he requests for me to personally advocate for them in the media. One sip of coffee and a large gulp my political speak switches to on— but inside my truth screams- No way in hell! Here it was again— I can’t say what I am thinking if I want to keep my job.
I drive back to the office, turn in the keys, and still no one checks with me in about the morning layoff event. Just small talk about how I liked the new fleet car. Surreal--
I felt numb—- numb to my pain, numb to the fact that I had to hold back my strong belief about this corporation, numb to the impact of the lives I just drastically changed, numb to the fear that the rest of my team might feel worried about their jobs, numb to my fear at times for my job, numb to the judgement placed upon me from my bosses, numb to all the times I am required to stay quiet, numb to the important person inside-- the one with the soul that is beyond exhausted,.
Then at days end I flipped another switch, its is now a long weekend. The good wife and daughter comes in and takes over, no room for the raw emotion to show.
I must admit to you dear reader that have not figured out just yet how to find the positive here, but I can see now that for many years I have learned to flip switches to fit any given work situation. I can see that this costs me something I have yet to articulate. I know this must be true, why else would these tears still be close to the surface?
I am curious how do you manage your internal conflict— when your position requires more of you than you can naturally give?
The only peace I have in this moment, is that I am now clearly aware of my switch flipping pattern, its a start I suppose.
Please leave me a comment, your thoughts and feelings matter to me. It would mean the world to know I am not alone.
Are You Ready to cultivate more ease and peacefulness in your life?
Register below and
receive FREE tools I developed just for you!
This website uses marketing and tracking technologies. Opting out of this will opt you out of all cookies, except for those needed to run the website. Note that some products may not work as well without tracking cookies.Opt Out of Cookies