Offering Luminaries A Place to Cultivate
Enjoy A Little Peace & Ease
While on Your Journey to Become
Who You are Meant to Be....
These are the moments that are raw and real and only happen once maybe twice a year. The overwhelming experience of being upset at everything and everyone in my life. I have come to learn over the years when I am in the space of outward blaming, what really is happening is that I lost connection with my true self.
I have spent the last year or so on survival mode. This time the experience was around a move to a new country, into a new management position, at a new company. I put my best foot forward and gave all of myself away and right now I am depleted. If there was a word that could express with meaning, the depth of my depletion I would use it here, but I can only offer a deep heavy sigh.
I have noticed over these years the same sign posts begin to emerge as I start down this path. Although I never seem to heed their early GPS warnings. I arrive at this same destination year after year. I breeze past the over whelming emotions- as I fight back the tears during a movie. Or when in view of people achieving a goal or experiencing deep emotion I mirror their feelings instantly and choke back my response. I sleep extra hard and don’t wake rested. I lose sense of my physical needs, choosing to sit for long hours without moving, never reaching even for a sip of water. I lack the energy to wash my face before bed, or wait to paint my toes until only a few patches of color remain. I over plan my life, my food choices and force my days into a pattern of obligation. This can go on for many months without noticing anything is wrong as my rumble generally starts slow. But eventually my emotions hit a crescendo and it usually lands hard and loud on my amazing husbands shoulders.
On this particular scheduled vacation day, I expressed to my husband as we woke up that I am feeling vulnerable and need some nurturing. He left me alone upstairs in bed with my lap top. I was fine until the wave of resentment rushed in like a tsunami- as I heard the ice bucket rattle, the crutch of celery half eaten, alongside the stirring of tomato juice. What I heard in my head was - look at him taking care of himself and not me. He is waiting for me to cook breakfast instead of cook it for us. He is waiting for me to plan the day- as he relaxes. This growing rage sitting like a boulder in my throat as I wanted to scream- What are you doing— why don’t I matter enough for you to care about me even when I shared with you I needed extra nurturing? I choose my words respectfully as he lands on the top stair, his reaction was as if I had screamed my first thought. Tears, anger and miscommunication accompany the sound of the garage door closing as he heads out to get us a meal.
It is not about the food I say out loud, between the sniffle of my running nose as I give into the tears I have needed to cry for months. These heavy and hard tears are meant for the employee I found lying, my team that planned the sabotage of my strategic plan, the individual that continues to underperform and hide behind the coattails of their union rep. All the times when someone needed something from me and I could feel the weight of expectation and judgement if I said no or delayed a decision. The under current of this if I am honest is fear. To hold back fear I choose daily to stop what might cause harm to my goals and my reputation at the high cost to my ease and peace.
Why am I in this moment choosing self-sacrifice on all fronts? I don’t even recognize when it starts. It is as if I am already on auto pilot moving toward my final destination. I wonder to myself if I had a birds eye view across the globe, might I see other tired managers needing rest and renewal too? Our shared experience of exhaustion of— self, of cause, for the job, the boss and family?
The easiest response when I am in this space is to blame everyone. Yet, the honest play is to recognize that I allowed this to happen. I never said NO- or declined a meeting invitation, or told the employee what I was truly thinking. I played it stoic and focused.
I have along the way used small survival strategies as I reached for quick fixes to feel better. The mac and cheese dinner after a hard Monday. The Sunday afternoon listening to music mindlessly surfing the net. I am grateful for these simple pleasures, but the under lying lesson is my unchecked fear. Fear that if I ask for what I want or need I won’t get it. That if I tell the employee that they need to behave- I will end up having to defend myself in a legal battle. If I say no I can’t take on that project they will see me as less than. Best of all if I arrive and leave on time I am lazy. This list could be much longer, but it for now illustrates to myself that my choices to help others feel ok, eventually ends with me not feeling good about myself or my life.
As I sit here closing my writing ritual, my wonderful loving husband is banging around in the kitchen preparing my breakfast in bed. This because he is a really good soul and I am more than lucky to be married to him. With my belly about to be full and the realization that my tears are this vacation days gift of self reclamation, I feel slightly more at peace. Then as I reach for my fork to enjoy raspberries atop my waffles, I begin once again the ascent up the mountain. Can I choose the self care I need and deserve? Can I speak up honestly and with grace? Can I leave the emotion in the present moment where it belongs; rather than drag these moments of disappointment and resentment along for much longer then their intended lifespan? In the end all this self denial is driving me to reach once again the very same destination? Or can I honor myself first, regularly with truth of spirit, and perhaps throw in a little bit of my personal spunk?
I guess time will provide the answer to these questions.
Today's Grand Design:
If I stay present allowing the feelings and emotions be experienced and released in the moment- I am less likely to find myself at the point of total melt down.
The Ritual of Me:
I will recognize that my tears are a gift not a curse. I will met them with honor and untie the oddly shaped ribbons and bows, tear open the box and enjoy what you most need today. My soul will be grateful. I will respect the moments when I find myself reaching for the kleenex. I will listen for their soft message- as they are a mirror to the softest and most tender parts of myself. Listening will renew my soul.
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